Date: Fri Jan 7, 2005 11:18 am
Subject: Missing the Navy?
Subject: MISSING THE NAVY?
Feeling nostalgic for Big and Black and never come Back?
Here are 22 simple steps to simulating shipboard life.
1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack".
2. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub
and move the shower head down to chest level. Then unscrew shower head and discard. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping.
3. Every time there's a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you're nauseous.
4. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High".
5. Don't watch TV except movies in the middle of the night. Also, have
your family vote on which movie, then show a different one.
6.(Optional for ex-engineering types) Leave lawnmower running
in your living room six hours a day for proper noise level.
7. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
8. Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot across and onto your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.
9. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
10. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread, if anything. (Optional: Canned ravioli or cold soup).
11. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.
12. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run out into your yard and break out the garden hose.
13. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together.
14. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.
15. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months.
16. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
17. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
18. Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
19. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is cooking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top. Bake fresh bread every week then let it stand on your back porch 7 days before eating.
20. Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, shout "Man overboard, ship recovery!", run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor, then yell at your wife for
not having the place "stowed for sea".
21. Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and
stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.
22. Wake up at 0-Dark-30, line up in the driveway in a light drizzle, and
have your mother-in-law criticize your clothes and read you the newspaper.
Have a fine Navy day!!
Date: Fri Jan 7, 2005 9:00 pm
Subject: Re: [USS_James_Madison_SSBN627] RE: Missing the Navy?]
Excellent, and if you were a Fleet Boat Sailor as well, don't forget to (make
your wife do this with you) sleep on the floor under your bed, wake up every hour on the hour, say "shift," both of you slide out from under from the left side, roll over on your back and then both of you slide back in under the bed horizontally, and go back to sleep.