Date: Wed Nov 24, 2004 3:42 pm
Subject: Experience Submarine Life
Ah - the Navy - It's an adventure ... the suggestions below are made
on behalf of those who think the Navy is a "TOP GUN" existence. You
know, those who watched one too many episodes of JAG, and think that Navy life is glamorous. To experience Navy life, try a couple of these - right in the comfort of your own homes.
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it black and live in it for 6 months
2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside
of the walls.
3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then
pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray."
4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the
scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can,
pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the
5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower.
6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature
up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10
degrees.On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that
they used too much water during the week, so all showering is
7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.
8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a
whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille,
Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do
the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at
6am and read it to you.
10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days
straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign
on it that reads "Secured - contact A DIV at X-3053."
11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok
for you to leave your house before 3pm.
12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then
board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After
the 6months is up, take down the boards, and since you're on duty,
wave at your friends and family trough the front window of your
home...you can't leave until the next day.
13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.
14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your
home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc)
15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure
every 15 minutes.
16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere.
This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off".
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your
driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not.
18. Repaint your entire house once a month.
19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and
seasoning you can get your hands on.
20. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, randomly
losing every 5th item.
21. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch
CNN and the Weather Channel.
22. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
23. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
24. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it
25. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonald, and NOT get
26. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors
have gone to bed.
Date: Wed Nov 24, 2004 9:34 pm
Subject: RE: [USS_James_Madison_SSBN627] Experience Submarine Life
Don't forget to sit on the dining room table and say to your wife "hey mess crank get me a gedunk and a bellywasher"
Use diesel fuel for deodorant.
Place signs on the toilets for 2 hours per day during peak use time warning
blowing sanitary tanks.
Post watch bills for rig for reduced electrical in all rooms of the house.
Periodically during the night get up and have battle station drills.